If I were Supreme Commander...

I'll tell you one thing, if I ruled the world, cilantro and anchovies wouldn't exist. Since I don't rule the world, clearly, and probably never will, you cannot question how I would make those two evil things disappear. But in case you're wondering, I haven't thought about how to make it happen.

I'd also like to think that if I ruled the world, I would do so with good intentions. However, if given the opportunity to become an Evil Overlord, I would definitely incorporate some of this guy Nick Scipio's ideas.

In particular:

#7: When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “no,” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him and then say “no.”

Seriously, revealing your evil plan while holding the hero at the point of some lethal device only gives the hero enough time to think of how to thwart you, and the hubris to work its magic. Although if I were the hero, I'd end up confused and ask to go over a few more details before my horrific death. Though I'm genuinely confused, my confusion will confuse the evil overlord, thereby guaranteeing my haphazard escape.

#20: Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

Despite my attempts to laugh maniacally, it has never been proven effective. Once I even strained my solar plexus trying. But if you're in the mood for maniacal laughter, scoot on over to Dr. Horrible's SingAlong Blog and enjoy.

#29: I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

I do this anyway, regardless. But to finally have a legitimate reason to laugh maniacally in the face of the latest fashionably acceptable style of dress makes me smile...evilly.

#55: The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

This is just common sense.

#95: My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

I always end up feeling slightly sorry for the inept guard. Finally, a way to be inept without discrimination.

Apparently, this was written before the days of wireless internet and 2 gig lipstick drives. But a lot of it is still relevant a decade later. Also, the author is apparently a famous Internet erotica writer. Interesting.

RIP Paul Newman

I can't think of a greater or more moving performance.



RIP Luke/Butch Cassidy/Reggie Dunlop/Henry Gondorff

Politics IS funny!

Who doesn't have a favorite political joke?

Newsweek has a few good ones, furnished by yours truly.

"The trouble with political jokes is that very often, they get elected."

That one, usually seen on a bumper sticker, is commonly misattributed to Will Rogers.

Will Rogers did make the observation however, that "politics is AppleSauce." Not sure what that means, or even if it's a joke, but John McCain did have a run-in with some applesauce while grocery shopping outside Philadelphia. I bet that if I did some more digging, I would find some applesauce jars in Obama's closet too.

Did you also know that applesauce can be substituted for oil when baking cakes and breads?

Weddings and babies

When did Facebook become "Weddingbook"? Or "Babybook"? I admit to signing on to the "Facebook-mania" late in the game, but seriously, I thought it was all about digitally stalking college coeds and sharing drunken photos from parties. (And keeping tabs on people I would have otherwise forgotten existed.) I just signed on the other day to find out that ten of my friends are engaged or got married, and four others had or are expecting babies. That's literally how I found out...by signing on to Facebook and seeing all the pictures, or seeing new, hyphenated last names on my friend list. It seems people like me are now in the minority. Are we getting too old for Facebook? Or am I too young for it?

There's even an entry for facebook wedding in the Urban Dictionary. And two of RM's friends used Facebook and MySpace messaging to invite him to their weddings. No formal invitations. Just a mass message.

Don't get me wrong, I love looking at wedding and baby pictures, and will probably proudly post my own when the time comes. And I admit that some of the surprise I felt at seeing so many people with wedding/baby news comes as much from my own lack of communication as it does from my observations about Facebook. Maybe I should start my own social networking site...for people who don't have time for social networking sites.

Brief updatery

I've decided to give my little digital soapbox a new look. This is the only way I can assure myself that the life-changes I am forced to make will work out in one way or another. And yes, I'm being overly dramatic. But it's just one thing to check off my list of new things to acquire, in hopes that the nervous hives I've developed will subside.

I need to find a new:

-Apartment (to save money)
-Job (to get the money afford the apartment and RM's and my lavish lifestyle)
-TV (the one we have has massive, discolored spots)
-Digital camera (same affliction, plus a weird red aura around all photos taken)
-Shoes (to accommodate walking around New York City to find a job, an apartment, a TV and a digital camera)
-Cable provider (because missing the Olympics and both party conventions was too much for me)
-Jar of peanut butter (to eat by the spoonful as the freak-outs wax)

But as they say, whatever you put off yesterday, you can always put off again til tomorrow. Right now I have to clean the apartment so that the landlord can show it this weekend and pack my crap to head out to Boston, where my cousin will be married!

And very good wishes to Pink India Ink, who is also gettin' hitched this weekend! (I remember her back in the 8th grade when we used to pass notes about boys in Earth Science class, and now she's all grown up and gettin' married!!!)